Six Months Out

The dogs waited patiently in the way back, tuckered out from a trip to the park, while we sat in the parked car and talked. It was a shared routine that had been absent from our lives for most of the past six months. But last Sunday, as the early evening sun shined a bit longer and the temperature released its chilly grip, lingering just felt right. We had stories, thoughts, and insights to share, so we held this moment for one another—a volley of talking and listening—as the sky changed from blue to grey. And then he said it.

 “I miss this, you know.”

And I nodded in agreement.

This being the camaraderie of and conversation with someone who knows you so incredibly well, who was by your side through two formative decades of your life. Someone with whom you made big life decisions; who had your back through cycles of flourish and struggle; who knows your health, your wealth, your dreams, and your fears. Who laughed with you, cried with you, ate cookies with you . . .

Having a friend to talk to—and who will listen to you—about all the big and little, brilliant and mundane things in your life is a gift. What makes it priceless is its dependability. I don’t take that responsibility lightly—or for granted. I’m still figuring out how to gracefully move forward while carrying with me the healthy and vital pieces of my past. It’s a lot to juggle—and no small feat. But I’m committed to seeing it through. It’s what I do.

The season is changing, both literally and figuratively. Boston’s long winter has finally come to an end. It’s time to shed those protective layers. Like the crocuses and daffodils that are poking their heads up from the earth, I, too, have been in a gestation period.

These last six months have been abundant ones with their life lessons and experiences. I’ve gotten to know myself—and voice my feelings, opinions, hopes, and desires. I’m traveling, striking up conversations, connecting with people, and smiling more. My heart has been reawakened and my spirits are sky high. I see nothing but possibility and potential. I’ve found my way through those dark, challenging times and am better—wiser, stronger, more comfortable in my own skin—than ever before. Simply put: life is good.

As time has passed, I’ve welcomed new people into my heart: a dear friend; a charming boyfriend, too. I’ve strengthened existing friendships and gained a more conscious respect and admiration for all of the people who’ve played a part in my life, including—and especially—my ex.

In the days following our split, a coworker had suggested that I put a six-month reminder on my Outlook calendar. She wanted to be sure I’d remember to pause and reflect on how much has changed—how much I’ve grown and how much I’ve learned—since then. I stumbled across that reminder a couple of weeks ago. In the notes section of that calendar reminder, I wrote:

“Celebrate how far you've come and how exciting these times are that lie ahead. Just love. Just joy. Just truth and trust.”

Indeed, I’ve noticed the incremental changes in my life. But the big, sweeping differences? Quite simply, they astound me. How did I do it? No doubt, with a little help from my friends—and a whole lot of deep-dive introspection, too. A whole, whole lot.

I am excited for the times that lie ahead. I’ve learned to step into uncertainty. I’ve learned to see the silver linings. I’ve learned how liberating it feels to speak—and act—from the heart. And most of all, I’ve learned that there is no finish line. The journey is—and has always been—the destination.

Soundtrack: “Half Acre” by Hem

Time to Believe in What You Know

Back in high school, I had exactly one driving lesson with my father. It was a barren, bright morning in the vacant lot of a nearby state park. I learned quickly that I did not have a knack for making that big ol' Buick smoothly stop and go. Apparently, despite there being two pedals on the floor--and us drivers (and wannabe drivers) having two feet--I wasn't allowed to use them at the same time. This was a fact that boggled my 15-and-three-quarters-old brain. Still, I drove around the parking lot that way--left foot stop, right foot go. It an unpleasant experience all around. Jerky and stressful and confusing for us both. Being that my feet were largely hidden in the wheel well, I continued with this approach, even after being told otherwise. Not only did two pedals and two feet seem like it should be a given, the stop-go-stop-go technique felt like the safer option to me.

Eventually, I enrolled in driver's ed and learned the right way to get around. But it took me a while to shed that instinct to tap the brake at the littlest flicker of concern. Now I could retrace the last 30-plus years of my life and probably point out hundreds of instances of me tapping the metaphorical brakes. Or I could just fast-forward to the latest and most relevant one: moving forward in my personal life.

I'm all for minding the signs and paying attention to the signals--literally and metaphorically. But I can feel that old instinct to hover my foot over the brake, to insert little halts when unnecessary, creeping in--just as life starts to get a little more unexpected. A little more interesting. Riding the brake is a fear-based action. Sure, it may seem wise at first, but it's no way to smoothly move forward.

There’s a time and a place for caution and there’s a time and a place for letting go of the restraints. I've decided to let go of the restraints.

In the days following my breakup, I replaced the family photo on my desk at work with this quote:

"Step into uncertainty--today and a little bit every day. That is how an epic life is lived."

At first these words served a bit of a fake-it-'til-you-make-it purpose. But after a few weeks of reading and rereading these words, I believed them. I embodied them. I began to welcome the mystery that lay ahead. And now--that feeling of being smack-dab in the middle of a Choose Your Own Adventure book is the most alive I've felt in a long, long time.

I haven't a clue what next turn of the page has in store for me, but I can tell you it's an exhilarating way to be living my life right now. It reminds me of the long, winding road that led to my old neighborhood back where I lived in those early days of driving. It dipped and curved endlessly and erratically, like the scalloped edges of Valentine made by a child. Once I became comfortable behind the wheel, there was nothing I loved more than touring all of that road's curves, never really knowing what lay around the next bend but trusting myself to handle it all with grace. Without obsessing over the brake.

In a moment today when my head and my heart were having a bit of a private debate over the brake metaphor, I came across this piece on the HBR blog: How to Have a Year That Counts. Its simple, elegant reminders to (1) start with your dreams, (2) walk toward the fire, (3) venture beyond certainty, and (4) let life happen were all the confirmation I needed that yes, it is time to get out of my head and experience life outside of my comfort zone. It's time to take my foot off the brake. That's where my story will start to get interesting . . .

Soundtrack: "Shine" by Alexi Murdoch

Scars Are Souvenirs

A few years ago, I got a call from A after work as I was driving to yoga. "Hey, I've been in a car accident. Can you come rescue me?" The accident was on the route I was headed, just five minutes ahead. Glass in the road, a police officer, diverted traffic. Nothing horrific--just bad news at a bad intersection. Thankfully, A was fine. It wasn't until we drove over to the tow lot that I got a good look at the car and its gnarled-up front end. With our hands on our hips, we surveyed the scene, replaying the what-ifs. We reminisced about all the good memories with that car. We chuckled at the irony of being hit by a vehicle owned by the tow truck company. Even having seen the wreckage, I was certain that a trip to the body shop would fix things up.

Not so much. The insurance assessor deemed it to be totaled. But what about this and this and this? They're all still good, right? A few days later, with a big check in hand, A was deciding whether to go with the latest model in black or blue. Everybody had already moved on . . .

* * *

A few weeks ago, I got a text from A as I was leaving the office. "When it rains, it pours. Just got into a car accident. Minor, but ugh."

Traffic was crawling, and with all the stop and go, he dinged the back bumper of an SUV. From the outside, it just looked like a scuff, a bump, and a busted-up emblem on his front end. Not such a big deal. The other, bigger car was fine. While the damage behind the scenes on A's car was more serious than visibly apparent, at least this time the car was reparable. But the headache and the expense of this tiny ding seemed to be so much more frustrating to him than the car that was totaled.

* * *

Totaled. Ex. Break-up. Split. There's an abrasive finality to these words that I don't like. When a relationship ends--even amicably as ours did--society resorts to the "game over" lexicon. But what about the relationships that are worth salvaging? We need new words to describe these transitions. Realignment. Adjustment. Tune-up.

Neither one of us is looking for a "good as new" or "better than before" fix as we move ahead separately. To do so would just diminish the journey we've been on--these past 14 years, as well as the journey of the last month and a half. So what if our "boyfriend/girlfriend" emblem has cracked under pressure and fallen to the ground? So what if the cause of incident sounds so trivial? It just is . . . so let it be.

So for now, we're going to just drive around in this mightily imperfect and time-worn exterior with no plans to take ourselves in for repair. No damage here. Only character. Only stories. Only life experience. We may have a lot of miles on us, but we we're still moving forward.

"Scars are souvenirs you never lose . . ."

Soundtrack: "Name" by the Goo Goo Dolls

Road Rage Is Mental Clutter

nm_european_vacation_081125_mn I've been thinking a lot about bicycling lately. Mostly because I recently helped out my brother who was competing in a 12-hour mountain bike race, but also because I've noticed myself experiencing road rage toward the cyclists with whom I share the road.

Me? Road rage? What's that all about? I'm a nice person. I'm all for the environment and eco-friendly actions. Why so hostile? Truth be told, I'm afraid of hitting one of them with my car. Terrified. Their elbow hitting my sideview mirror; them taking a spill, me veering to avoid catastrophe. Or worse--a right-hand turn, bad timing, and a catapulting body. Broken bones and ambulances.

So, when I'm driving beside a cyclist and trying to pass them so that I can get where I need to be a minute faster, I curse them. Stupid bike people and your stupid shorts and stupid helmets. Get the *#$&  out of my way. Occasionally, I displace some of my vitriol on the state, wishing our narrow New England roads had bike lanes or that there were fewer cars on the road. But it's usually the former.

As a corporate communicator, I'm always encouraging writers to put themselves in the recipient's shoes. How does the cyclist feel sandwiched between an SUV and a curb? Is he worried about his safety? Cursing at the cars on the road? Using that information, is there a better way to approach the situation?

Instead of thinking angry thoughts, why not try something more kind and affirmative. Something like: "Hey there, biker person. Look at you doing good for the environment--and your health. Way to go! Hope your travels are happy and safe. Please don't forget to use your hand signals, okay? Take care!"

I never curse all those roadkill squirrels for being so dumb as to run out into traffic. Instead I name them and offer up a little silent eulogy. So, how about a few kind words for that guy riding his bike down School Street with all the cars?

The thoughts that fill our heads are not unlike the contents of the hallway closet. Keep things orderly and all is well. But once things start to get out of control, everything else goes sour. A little mindfulness will take care of that.

What sets you reeling on a tirade of negative thoughts? What quick fix can you make to turn around your perspective on the situation?

_________________________________________________________________________ © 2009 Good Karma Housekeeping. Making the space--mentally and physically--to live happily ever after. (Image from National Lampoon's European Vacation. Say it with me now: Rrrrrrusty.)

Travel Utensils: Not Just for Weirdos

While in college, I briefly dated this guy who carried his own set of chopsticks. I can still remember diving into our take-out containers, my girlfriends and I all watching as he unceremoniously removed those glossy red sticks from his messenger bag. The most outspoken of the bunch asked him why, point blank, did he carry his own chopsticks. The tone of her inquiry rang out weirdo alert, weirdo alert. Admittedly, I agreed. (Forgive me; it was the mid-1990s and I was just a wee twentysomething.) "Because I never know when I'll need them," he replied in earnest.

Fast-forward a dozen-plus years . . . to today. I'm sitting in the Upper Crust, taking a little time out of my busy day to keep the staycacation vibe going by treating myself to lunch outside of the office. (I had a buy one slice, get one free coupon, so this was a budget friendly splurge. Plus, a girl needs to eat.) I had forgotten how big and floppy their by-the-slice pizza could be. The type of pie where you're wise to fork-and-knife it at least halfway up. Especially when you're wearing a white jacket and a light-colored blouse.

Reluctantly, I picked up a plastic fork and knife along with my paper napkins. And because I was really thirsty--and forgot my water bottle back at the office--I poured myself some water in a plastic cup. Other than wishing I hadn't forgotten my water bottle, my first thought was, I sure wish I had some travel utensils so I didn't have to rely on the disposable stuff.

Pot? Kettle? Yes, indeed.

Truth be told, my handbag is heavy enough without adding a fork, knife, and spoon to the mix. But it just seems so wasteful to pitch the plastic. Perhaps if it were recyclable, I'd feel a little bit better. Fortunately, I'm not often faced with a need for plastic utensils. I have my own set of stainless at work (along with my mug, plate, and bowl). But for those rare occasions, I think this would be a pretty easy switch. It's the type of thing I could even just stash in the glove compartment. I'm much more likely to use a fork than I am that tire pressure gauge.

A few days ago, Simple Savvy posted a cool tutorial on how to make your own utensil set. How neat, I thought--until I saw how much sewing was involved. But there's nothing keeping me from rolling a fork, knife, and spoon in a cloth napkin, tying it up, and carrying it with me next time I find myself faced with a big, floppy slice of pie.

N.B. I brought the plastic utensils home for washing and reuse, and the cup for recycling; only used three paper napkins; and managed not to get a drop on my clothes. Go me.

_________________________________________________________________________ © 2009 Good Karma Housekeeping. Because less really is more.

Observations on My Sense of Observation

imperfectly yours I have always fancied myself to be a pretty observant person, taking mental note of all the random little things that often go unregistered. Like the two small cups of Dunkin' Donuts coffee one of my old professors used to bring to every class. Or the ladybug design on the PLU sticker on my apple. Or the surprising number of people at the grocery store who buy those sugar wafer cookies. So, when I was climbing across the passenger seat of my car a few days ago, getting my trusty l'il Honda ready for its end-of-lease inspection, I couldn't believe what I noticed: a sticky mark on my windshield from where a piece of tape once held the spec sheet on my car.

I've had this car for three and a half years now, and I'm just noticing this tape on my windshield? What else have I been living with, ignorant of its existence? True, my purse and shoes don't often match--yet they're not artfully mismatched in that Clinton- and Stacy-approved way. I've spied a poppyseed in my teeth hours after eating an everything bagel for breakfast. I sometimes wear a gold ring along with my stainless steel watch. The horror, I know. But at the end of the day, who cares really. Does it make me less intelligent, less presentable, less successful? No, no, and no. So what if there's a line of sticky gunk on my passenger side windshield that has been there for the past 41 months.

But if you ever see me walking around with the 100% lambswool tag hanging from the sleeve of my coat or (gasp, shudder) the little white stitches on the back waistband of my pants, then you can judge me. Until then, I'm owning up to my smudges and imperfections.

_________________________________________________________________________ © 2009 Good Karma Housekeeping. Making the space--mentally and physically--to live happily ever after. ("Imperfectly Yours" photo credit Mel B. via Creative Commons--thank you!)

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